Coaching

I made a new page to make it easier to introduce people to my coaching. Always looking to simplify, so this page will change as my approach gets even simpler:

Source: Coaching

Excuse me!

Indignation, grumpiness, annoyance and aggravation, anger, fury and hate, worry and anxiety, fear and sadness, the silent treatment and bullying. These are all natural negative emotions. They are often easily explained. But are they justified?

Usually not. While there are occasions where it is rational to create any of the above mentioned emotions, they are few and far between. Given that you do in fact create your own emotions, blaming other for your creations is the fast track to lose control of your life. To regain control requires that you take responsibility for your own emotions.

Yes, people can treat you like shit. They can be rude, abusive and cruel. While you often cannot control what life dishes out to you, you can decide how you react to any situation. Like the apprentice asking his master fakir, “But Master, do you not feel the pain?” and the old man answered, “Of course I feel the pain. The trick is not minding the pain.”

Ask yourself is, “Does it help to be annoyed?”, “Does it help to worry?”, “Will it improve the situation if I get angry?” If it does help, then go ahead and be really annoyed, worry like hell or blow your top off. If it doesn’t help, then don’t give a fuck.

It’s easy enough to say this, but to live it requires lots of practice. Every shitty situation presents an opportunity to practice not creating an emotion that only adds negativity to the situation.

Celebrate improvements. If it takes you a bit longer before you get pissed, then that’s improvement. If it takes one more insult before you feel hurt, then you’re doing better. Keep practicing and you’ll keep moving toward more control of your life.

The motto: “Only do that which helps. Don’t do that which doesn’t help.

While negative emotions can be considered natural and easily explained, they shouldn’t be excused.

What am I doing?

“If you have a purpose of helping others, then why are you helping people that only help themselves?”

That’s a good question. One that I’ve been asking myself lately. There are some definite pros to helping athletes and others who compete. The results are easily measured and so clearly visible. A placement, a rank, a medal. And my contribution can be discerned. But to help someone win competitions implies helping them to focus – on that specific result, to the exclusion of almost everything else. This is the essence of Two Lengths of the Pool when applied to people who compete. To help people focus on competitive results is to help people become more egotistical. Because so many other parts of life and empathy need to go ta make place for that top position. For glory. For The Win.

I help all kinds of people – from athletes to housewives. And that is why I have come to ask myself this question. Because I can compare so many people I’ve helped. And while helping an athlete win gold is really fun, helping someone with a purpose to help others is far more rewarding in the long run – for the person I help. If the person wants to win a competition, I have to help him become more focused, more egotistical. If the person wants to help others, I have to help him to open up and become more empathetic.

This is the moral dilemma inherent in the question. But it’s not quite a rhetorical question, as maybe a balance is needed?

The best deal: Everyone first!

Business people, salesmen, game theory mathematicians, Donald Trump and negotiators would advice you to get the best deal possible. And the best deal would often amount to getting the biggest share of the pie that you can possibly get.

While that strategy may get you rich when selling refrigerators to Eskimos, it is not the best long term strategy for a partnership.

salesperson

Whenever you try to get a bigger piece of the pie, the other parties gets less. And their motivation for baking pie suffers proportionally.

Trying to get the “best deal” by getting an unfair portion may be a viable short term strategy. But in the long run it kills partnerships.

The best way to ensure affluent pie making and long term profit is for every party to insist on a fair deal for everyone involved.

The best strategy is not to simply cater for one’s own interests. It is to cater for everyone’s interest. Putting my interest first hurts the other parties’ interests and kills off that much motivation to make the partnership work in the long run.

The best strategy would be to impress as much as you can by delivering value to the partnership as often as you can. Give life to the partnership by continually giving and insisting on a fair deal for everyone involved. Empathy, transparency, putting all cards on the table and dropping all chess gaming are keys to a good partnership. Don’t do tactics. Don’t do strategies. Just ensure everyone succeeds.

Impress!

“I am struggling in my job. I don’t know if I should quit my job or continue. And if I continue, whether I should focus on this or that or the other thing. Is this type of work even for me? I feel exhausted. Not much positive feedback, and I don’t really know if what I’m doing is valuable for the company, for any customers or for other employees. I feel kinda lost. What should I do?”

He looked at me across the table. Across his cup of coffee, and mine. I started out slowly:

“You know, there’s stacks of books written about this, countless methodologies and coaching practices addressing these kinds of issues.”

He looked eagerly at me, waiting for some book or methodology that would match his complex problem. Some kind of intricate way of resolving his issues. But then I went on:

“But really, it boils down to just one simple concept. Just one.”

He looked sorta disappointed. Like I was about to invalidate his complex problem or insult his intelligence.

“You only need to impress.”

Uh?

“Yes, impress your customer, your boss, your colleague, your wife, your kids, yourself. But impress by delivering something of value. Impress your customers in every meeting. Impress your colleagues every workday. Impress your kids by really playing with them when they bring out the Lego. Impress your wife in bed. Impress by delivering. Unconditionally and as much as you can. If you do this, you’ll be doing good. And this is all you need to do.”

creating-value-is-habit-forming