While we hear about abuses, human rights violations, harassment, criminal conduct and “fair gaming” in the Church of Scientology, I have been very satisfied with the service I received in my 25 years being a member. Others have lost money, time, careers, family members, unborn children or even themselves. I lost none of that. But I did lose something. And it took me by surprise.
I was nervous as a child. Worrying about stuff – mostly social situations. I was shy, terrified to be asked to read aloud in class. There was often a cocktail of emotions, blood pumping, adrenalin, fear, uncertainty and doubt. Amid the social stress was a boy seeking refuge in hard core natural sciences where I could satisfy my appetite for knowledge and master the crafts. Logic and reason was safe. Emotions not.
When I got into Scientology in 1984, I was seeking new answers and new angles to particle physics and astrophysics. But they offered me a path to gain control of those unruly social situations. I was intrigued to learn that I could gain some level of mastery of shyness, stress and my worrying.
From the very first communications drills and all the way up Scientology’s Bridge to Total Freedom I was longing for less worrying, more control. Mastery of emotions, of self, of stress and of the worry.
And lo and behold, that was just what I got. In spades. No wonder I was happy with my Scientology services. I went from a worrying and shy boy to a radio show host to a CEO of several companies and a renowned public speaker. I got exactly what I wanted.
But be careful for what you wish.
I am seldom stressed or worried. I can be thrown headlong into any public situation, be it impromptu speaking on an unknown subject or going on radio or TV without preparation. No stress, just a pure “Fuck It” attitude to whatever the situation may bring.
I miss the stress. The anticipation of the unknown. The adrenalin. The rush. Much zest have been lost. If anything, that is a source of some worry.
This is why I seek situations where I am not in control. That is why I want challenges beyond my abilities to cope. I need to feel more of those emotions, that part of life.
It is harder and harder to find exciting challenges. If you have any ready, please throw it my way.
In hindsight, I would still do it all over again. Because the benefits of calmness and harmony outweighs the loss of zest. But it is a loss that I am very much aware of.
(From my heart, pure text, no graphics or even links. Delivered as-is.)